Monday, October 3, 2016
The insurmountable wall
Sometimes I don't post about crappy things that happen because I've been told that nobody wants to listen to you talk about your bad day. All people want to read are happy sunshiny butterfly days. Which might be true, but either way if you don't like crappy posts feel free to not continue on.
Well, you did it. Here's my crappy post.
A few weeks ago I went to my usual lesson. I was on a post show (in which we jumped all the things!!!) and a post lesson (in which we jumped enormous things like bad asses!!!) high. Now, jumping makes me nervous. Or rather, the fear of failure in jumping makes me nervous. But I still jump and take lessons as often as possible because when it goes right and I control my nerves I have fun and I love to fly. I felt a little overfaced in the beginning of the lesson but mostly had faith that my instructor wasn't going to get me killed. It's tough being me. I really do find it a struggle to follow instructions that are perfectly logical from someone perfectly qualified that knows me, and well, curling up into a tiny little useless ball.
So, I wasn't really expecting what happened.
In short, we didn't jump the things. Any of the things. We stopped in front of the things, we stopped 20 feet away from the things. When the things became speed bumps we stopped, when the things became poles on the ground we stopped. At the end of the lesson we simply gave up because not a thing was to be jumped and I could hardly make my horse trot, let alone walk slowly over a pole on the ground.
We talked about my role and how I have not really improved my riding. We talked about how I am always mounted on green horses. I cried. A lot.
I spent several days (ok still thinking about it) thinking about what to do. Honestly, I wanted to quit. Quit jumping. Sell my horse, pack it in. I was quite frankly never going to be any better than I was that day and if I by some miracle was mounted on the far out of my price range packer I would promptly ruin it (having been told that very thing several years ago).
I struggled with how a few weeks ago I was making plans to move up a division in the late fall, then another division in the spring. Goals were formed that I saw no reason could not be met. We had gotten over our bump and we were on the downhill slide.
Then we couldn't get over the wall and I became the unteachable student on the unjumpable horse.
So, where do we go from here?
Am I unteachable and unimprovable?
Does my green horse not want to jump, or not want to jump with me?
Can I learn to ride a horse that might need a perfect ride over a 2 foot fence?
Did I just ruin a horse that had been improving over the year I've owned it?
How do you move on from a lesson so mentally devastating?